Not Shocking.

So the general consensus appears to be that feeling like everyone in your life is trying to make you feel inadequate and taking over how you should be raising your child is (wait for it.....) Completely Normal. I shouldn't be shocked. I know. Especially in the overly large, outspoken Italian family I was born into where I am the youngest child by 7 years and was pretty much always treated like I have no idea what I am doing. Usually I am okay with that because I can just let someone take care of the hard stuff for me, but this is different. This I can do. This I want to do. I am an ADULT. I am the parent. I don't know how to prove that to anyone and I am just so damn angry that I have to...

tomorrow is gonna suck

I can't really think about anything other than that,well that and the fact that I hate my new laptop because the HP people thought that silver keys with silver letters would look cool but isn't functional AT ALL.  I'm a little grumpy. I start back at work romorrow (GOD DAMN YOU HP!) tomorrow. I start back at work tomorrow whick means (GOD DAMN YOU HP!) which means that I have to take my girl to daycare where she gets to spread her cute all over people who aren't me. All day. Without mommy. 8 hours. I hate work. and HP. Screw real life.

I am AWFUL at being pregnant, even my organs are ticked.

I am currently waiting on the results of a Bile Salts Lab and a liver function test. Awesome. Evidently they think my body is so cranky about being pregnant that my liver and gallbladder aren't even on speaking terms at this point. If my bile levels are elevated then I am moved to high risk and either put on bed rest (I'm totally cool with that since I can't sleep at all anymore) or admitted to the hospital for constant monitoring (Not cool with this at all). The main issue will be that currently my liver is running Baby Girl's liver and if my liver is being a total douche then they will have to harvest Baby Girl from my womb at 37 weeks for her safety. My liver may be an asshole. We shall see if my labs ever come back. I am not terribly hopeful as I have all of the damn symptoms of this issue (called Cholestasis of Pregnancy) which just so happens to be the oddest mix of symptoms EVER. Seriously, who would think that the following list of sympton would even be related let alone a symptom of liver malfunction? Syptoms include: Itching of the soles of your feet and palms of your hands (insane freaking itching that makes you serioulsy consider shaving off your skin at 1 a.m.? (check)), Insomnia (check), Depression (check), Nausea (gorp. blargh. blech. (check)), upper quadrant pain (this actually makes sense since that is where your liver is. (check.)) and jaundice (nope.). I will say that the doctor gave me a very tiny script of Ambien and warned not to take it unless absolutely necessary and not two nights in a row due to the addictive nature of the drug. I have taken it twice since my appt and I have to tell you that I totally see why people will get addicted. It was not only the best sleep I have ever had but I woke up feeling like myself for the first time in months. It was amazing. It felt like I slept on a cloud while angels brushed my hair and whispered sweet words of encouragement and told me everything would be alright. I haven't been that relaxed since November. Ambien is clearly dangerous.

Warning: This is extremely bitchy and you should probably not read it.

This weekend blew. Well, let me correct that…HALF of this weekend blew. A friend of mine offered to do pregnancy pictures for me and at first I refused because I am ridiculously vain and honestly am not terribly comfortable in this new body but then I agreed and ended up having a wonderful time, so THAT was the good part. We then went to a cookout with friends and had a great time as well, up until I decided the day had been long enough and my feet were large enough while my husband decided that beer tastes like heaven and forgot to give a crap about hugely pregnant wife in 80 degree weather. So I left him there. I went home and showered off the hours of sweat and ran to the store to get puppy treats and then made the puppy dinner (he is on a special diet) which he was 2 ½ hours overdue for. I text the husband to offer to come get him but he decided he would stay and find his own way home about 2 hours later. I am sure the women out there can see the issue as the next morning was Mother’s Day. Husband came home and went straight to bed and then commenced snoring so loud that I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I honestly would have smothered him if I hadn’t decided to just go downstairs to try to sleep on the couch. (Pregnancy tip: It is impossible to get comfortable on a couch at 7 months pregnant. Do not even attempt.) I did manage to catch up on my DVR’d soaps and last weeks One Tree Hill so that was nice and just as I managed to fall asleep Husband decided to come downstairs in his stupor to get some Advil (hangovers are a bitch, eh?) turning on lights and waking me up AGAIN. So after less than 3 hours of sleep I finally hauled my butt up and decided to just shower and take the puppy out to my mom’s house to give her her card and LO AND BEHOLD, who is magically awake and asking me where I am going? Husband. Oh goody. I informed him I was going to my mothers and he should attempt to remember to do the same while I am gone. (this will figure back into the story later.) I then leave after biting my tongue when he asked if I wanted to do anything for Mothers day when I got back. (My mind had a lot to say on this one...”I had assumed that being hung over and ignoring me was how you had planned to spend my first mother’s day” or “oh I am so sorry, I forgot to make plans to celebrate for you. How about you just go back to sleep and I will think of something?”) but I just mentioned that I was surprised he knew it was mother’s day and walked out. Puppy and I went to my mom’s and had a nice sit outside and talked and then I headed home...to receive a card (sweet card, perhaps something hand written inside would have worked though, huh?) and some hydrangeas from the “holy shit, I am stupid and need to fix this with my wife pronto” last minute selection at the grocery store and the promise of a spa day after the wee one makes her arrival. Sure. I will put that on my calendar. He also asked if I would like to put my microwaved leftovers away and get brunch (a hint I had less than subtly dropped about a week earlier.) I figured that belonged in the “Too late” category and ate the leftovers and went up for a nap, exhausted from 3 hours of sleep and rage, and woke to an empty house at dinner time. Huh. No note to be found but the absence of the fern he buys his mother every year led me to believe he had taken his mother’s day present to her for dinner time as they were planning on cooking out. Awesome. Dinner will now be coming from the microwave again. Sweet. I cleaned the house, fed the puppy dinner and arranged some laundry while he was having (what I assume to be a lovely and pre-planned) Mother’s Day with his family. He offered to make me whatever I wanted upon his return and by that point cooking would have taken us into the evening news so a steamed veggie pouch in sauce and a couple of pop tarts were dinner. (Pregnancy tip: blueberry pop tarts will kind of taste like pie if you concentrate real hard.)

At this point I would like to explain exactly why I was upset. I am getting a lovely present that we had ordered together last week (a beautiful custom baby memories book from Etsy) This isn’t about a present. In fact, at this stage I would like to spend as little money as possible. I am upset at the lack of forethought and courtesy on what I had hoped would be a wonderful day that I could remember as my first mother’s day with my husband and pup and the little gymnast in my tummy. What I got was some last minute flowers and a card and a day full of silence and pouting because I was mad at him. Pregnancy hormones are not to be fucked with and I simply do not have the necessary skills to stop being angry about this. I have tried various tried and true ways to get over it such as crying it out, and screaming to music in my car. Nothing is working. I guess time will tell…

I apologize for such an angry hormonal post so I will now make it up to you with a picture of a cuddly animal. Here you go.

Weekly round up..

Things are moving right along on the pregnancy front. I will randomly get all bajiggity regarding how much time has passed and how little I feel like we have accomplished. We are currently in the process of emptying out our office/guest room/catch all to transform it into a little baby wonderland which is proving much more stressful that I assumed it would be. We have a ton of crap and it isn’t necessarily easy to figure out where to put it or how to dispose of it. I really wish I could just get everything thrown out in one weekend so I could get it off my mind but it isn’t just up to me since the majority of the stuff in there is the husbands so I have to be patient and I absolutely suck at that. Sheesh, I am getting stressed out just writing about it. On to better topics...


I finally got registered at Penney’s and Target for baby stuff so that is taken care of. I feel badly because pretty much 85% of what I registered for is online only so you can’t just head out and pick it up on a whim but at least I have my list together. It is amazing how much stuff you need that you don’t think about prior to actually nearing your 3rd trimester. There is a ton of stuff on the registry that I never contemplated needing but evidently you just can’t live without it. I suppose a wipe warmer makes sense as a wet cold wipe on a sensitive bum would be a bit shocking for an infant but I had never heard of such a thing! Back in the planning stages all I thought about was what colors to paint and all the cute things I wanted to buy our baby and thought I had it all planned out. Total BS. I hadn’t a clue what we would actually need to embark on this endeavor! Wowzers..so for any of my friends are checking my registry I do apologize..there is a lot of crap on it and I will be purchasing plenty on the list as well but I had to use it to gather my thoughts as to what functional items we would require as well. I am a tad bit overwhelmed. I trust most of you have been there and will reserve judgment on the level of my ridiculousness for that reason. Thanks in advance ;)

Managing Expectations in Life

In business, managing your client’s expectations up front can save a lot of time and stress in the future for everyone involved. In life, the same is absolutely true. I have learned that when dealing with people who have hurt you, you can't continue to expect something that someone is just not willing to provide. In this respect the only thing you can control is how you manage your expectations of the relationship. We all have many complicated relationships revolving around us at all times and it is completely understandable that we would hope to have each of those be completely equal and fulfilling be it friend, acquaintance, lover or family but the odds of that happening are slim. The best way to proceed once this has been proven is to immediately reevaluate the situation and take you out of the equation. I tend to be very sensitive and I dwell on situations that I have no control over. In this respect I have left myself open to a lot of unnecessary heartache. The most important lessons I have learned are these: You can’t control others actions, only your reactions and that YOU teach people how to treat you. If you are constantly stuck in the same cycle in relationships then the only thing that you can do to mitigate any further emotional stress or pain is to work to control how you let the relationship affect your life. We CAN control who is in our lives and how much power we give them, if they prove unworthy then all you have to do is take the power away and move on knowing that you did what you could and you had control over your own part of the relationship. When any relationship becomes too much work and not enough reward then all you can do is be honest and move on. Learning this truth can really take a weight off of our shoulders and let you rest and this emotional baggage is the best kind of weight to lose.

Quick lesson...Pregnancy = Fear

No, seriously...
I am suppressing a constant fear that I am somehow doing something completely wrong, therefore breaking the baby. Perhaps I am not eating spinach or fruit often enough..perhaps I am eating the WRONG fruit..Maybe I forgot to wash the lettuce and now have enough pesticides in my system to give my baby a sixth toe. It goes on and on..
Then there is the money issue...
Before you begin to work on the whole knocked up thing, you go over your finances. a lot. Once you figure everything out and realize that you totally have this ish under control you start going to town like rabbits, right? Right. Then the magical day comes when you pee on a stick and get two lines (Halleluia!! My ovaries work and my husband has good swimmers!!) Right after that wonderful, incredible, blissed out moment you realize something...YOU WILL NEVER MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO SUPPORT THIS AWESOME NEW LIFE!!! WHAT IF THE BABY ACTUALLY WANTS TO GO TO HARVARD??? WHAT IF THEY DECIDE TO BACKPACK IN EUROPE AFTER HIGH SCHOOL??????? WHAT IF THEY LIKE TO EAT AT RESTAURANTS???????HOLY SHITBALLS, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??????????????????????
I've been alternating those thoughts in my brain on a constant basis, like a mental jukebox with ADHD.  Don't even mention the word breastfeeding..

blogging about nothing..

It seems like I have the emotional stability of a (insert something you believe lacks emotional stability here). I either have anxiety about how awful I am going to be at motherhood or how all of my friends are going to get sick of my constant blathering, Basically I am a joy to be around. I randomly withdaw from people and then when my husband gets me out of the house to enjoy myself it seems like something always brings down my house of cards.. My mood has been improving lately and I think I am getting to be a bit more like myself again. I have random bursts of backbone and snarky humor (thanks Matthew) but I still randomly need to talk to my mom or sister about (practically) nothing until I feel better. This is one of those things that you halfway look forward to though. I think I was kinda looking to the time when I can lean on my mom and sister and let them welcome me into the sisterhood of moms. I think every young mother probably takes the most comfort from the knowledge gained from the people they have looked up to since they were babies. Not to mention the fact that, if you can't trust your big sister or mom, who the heck can you trust? I should also point out that my Mother-in-law has made me laugh more than a few times regarding my new found belly and fears about this being a lot harder than I thought it would be. I know I am thirty years old but something about this makes me feel like a child (vulnerable and unsure of myself) again. It is a blessing to be able to take a few deep breathes and get a good laugh from the experiences of others. I think this is going to end up being pretty damn cool, but I need to send out some big THANK YOU"S to everyone that has made these first few months easier to navigate. There have been times that I really honestly couldn't breathe I was so terrified and also times where I was so withdrawn that only a call from someone asking me to get out and experience the fun parts of being pregnancy kept me sane. I have a really great support system and I just can't thank any of you enough.

Foot in Mouth day

Today is not my friend.
First of all, I broke the cardinal rule of Reply All. Craptastic.
I managed to send a VERY snarky email out to my entire team..I r genius.
Luckily my boss actually agreed with my message (not my attitude, I am sure) and sent a follow up email to the team regarding my original message. Then I managed to cut off a dear friend on my drive into the office from lunch, I didn't know it was him until he managed to get up along side me to wave, with his two sons in the car. I am a total jackass today. TOTAL JACKASS. Sheesh.

Oh crap! I almost forgot!!
I also forwarded a nice client email I received to my boss, while adding a note that a co-worker thought that we should be provided Frosty's for our hard work...and auto correct changed it to Fourty's. I asked my boss for fourty's.

I am awesome.

I had cupcakes and yet today still makes me want to go back to bed..

I had a cupcake for breakfast, usually that would make my day. Add in a cup of Blue Mountain Coffee and it becomes a stellar day, however, it appears the day is dead set on mocking me. While doing my makeup I shook my powder only to find that the top wasn't on and then had to clean everything and dump out my coffee since an inordinant amount of Bare Minerals was floating in it. I attempted to do my hair only to spray watermelon body spray instead of bed head beach waves spray in it (I smell like a 12 year old) then tried to towel dry it out with the towel I cleaned up all the powder with. awesome.

I still managed to get out of the house on time to go get the tags for the car (that was a win) but didn't have the time to stop for coffee which sucked. a lot. I also found out I am out of the Starbucks Via so no coffee for me since I won't pay $5 a month to drink the bobcat urine they call coffee here.

Then I went over the check book only to realize that I forgot to pay the electic and gas companies and have been spending money that wasn't "disposable" after all. freaking sweet. I should be getting my dumbass award any day now.

I also warn everyone that today is my boring late shift so you will be getting multiple blogs.

vacation was incredible...work is not as incredible

WHY DID I COME BACK FROM JAMAICA???????

It was gorgeous, relaxing, oceanside paradise and now I am here. In my cube farm. Answering phones.

What the hell, dude.

I miss Jamaica.

Breaking news....I am nuts.

Here is a quick summary of last evening at my house: Got home, went for a run, had dinner with Anthony. He ended up allowing me to skip the gym since I had opted for a jog so after dinner I cozied up and settled in for tv and puppy snugglin' good times. What happened next shall forever haunt me...the LARGEST FREAKING SPIDER ON EARTH ran from my DVD shelves across the living room carpet and paused (I assume to consider the best way to kill me) in front of the armoir. Seriously, this spider was soooo big that I wasn't sure what it was at first. I was totally frozen..terrified and having a very very hard time coming up with a plan, since all I could hear inside my head was screaming. Picture how ridiculous this actually looked as I detail what unfolded.. I am huddled on my couch attempting to not look directly at the spider from hell while pretending that I don't see anything so Cheech dosen't notice and run over to eat the deadly evil and I assume venomous transformer of a spider. Then after the spider moved again (SHRIEK!) to the puppy snuggle ball I hightailed it to the bathroom where all I could find was a can of flying insect killer (I'll try anything...I would have used hair spray is I had any) and about a MILLION FREAKING CANDLES! I grabbed the pest poison and snuck back into my living room while trying to look nonchalant to both the quizzical puppy and the bloodthirsty spider to turn on the overhead light. Fan turns on, no light. JEEEBUS!! So then I have to drag a chair from the dining room to the living room (it is getting much harder to appear casual at this point) so I can reach the fan to turn off the wind machine and on the light so that I can keep the spider in my sights..And THEN..FINALLY...I chicken out and cower on the couch at the mere thought of walking closer to the spider. I rock. I start to reformulate a plan but all I can come up with is to open the front door of my house and fling the snuggle ball out the front door while screaming and pray the spider dosen't fall out or jump out and attack me.

At this point, Anthony came home. (Thank Jesus!)

I started speaking really fast to explain all that had happened while he had been at the gym, which only worried him more I bet. Then I just started saying "No, Don't touch the snuggle ball. It is IN THERE!!" So he sent me upstairs (mostly because I think I was freaking him out) and then I hear "Holy Crap, THAT IS A BIG SPIDER" followed by a heavy thud. Dead prehistoric deadly venomous ninja spider. Halleluia!

Cue the Xanax.

I will just post verbatim what my tweets were posted last night.
"Any twits out there taking Xanax? (generic xanax anyway..I have HMO) Do your pills have a symbol that looks like the breast cancer ribbon? Because the last thing I need in the middle of an anxiety attack is to suddenly think I have cancer..not cool pharmaceutical company."

It was a really long night.

HOLY VACATION, BATMAN!

So, we are roughly 16 days from my Jamaica vacation where I will witness my BEST FRIEND EVAH marry a guy I ACTUALLY like! How great is that?!?!?!? Know what is even better??? Finding out we are taking the same conncetion from Charlotte to Montego Bay!!! Holy crap I can't stand it... Now you are going to get a plethora of random BFF pics..so there.

today is nuts-o

I am late again and have had an absolutely insane day..Crazy with the productivity, I am..don't you know.
I think I am slap-happy. All I want to do is go home and wash my face, put on my cozies and snuggle my pup (and husband..he is cute as well) and eat the indian lentils and rice my husband promised me this morning. (that is kind of a lie..I totally want to head home and do all those things while Jon Bon Jovi follows me around with an acoustic guitar singing to me softly..but that isn't bloodly likely, now is it?) (oookay, just to be honest..if I am going to say that Jon will be in my house with me after work I think we can just erase the husband and the puppy from the evening and I would leave my makeup on. Also no snuggly pants...actually, no pants)
Well then. Next subject.
How about a new weekly "random crap no one needs to know about me" round up??

Right on. Here we go.

I am allergic to venom. I have a doctors note to prove it.
I will not go in my basement after dark unless there is a tornado screaming over head.
This is related to the venom issue, and the invisible ninja spider that lives down there, despite my assassins multiple attempts to disarm him.
It is crazy lonely in this office when you are alone in a storm.
I do not like tootsey rolls.
I also do not know how they spell tootsey.
I love perfume but am allergic to it.
If I spend too long in a Sephora, I will get a migraine. Every. Damn. Time.
I am awesome.
I am running out of crap to say.
I am addicted to caffeine.
I will, on occasion, offer to punch my grandma for a snickers.
shush, she is a tough old bird, she could totally take me in a fight.
My great grandmo used to threaten to give us a "fishy fishy" if we didn't eat, then she would back hand us in the head.
To this day, I am convinced that people in Italy hit each other with fish.
I just realized that italian women become oddly violent regarding their food.
Full legal name has more characters that the alphabet.
Still an hour and a half to go..Damn it.
Scooter my daisey heads.
I did that to see if I could confuse you..
Also so Mrs C can post the inevitable retort.
There is a scary rumble over head and I am surrounded by windows.
Living in the Midwest is crap.
I have cramps.
I posted my resume on Monster and every life insurance company in the USA has now offered me a position. I turned them all down. because I have standards. and a job.
I am now bored with this.
Blog fail.

sigh....

Okay peeps, I am seriously tired. As in, I felt drugged when I crawled into the shower this morning and I had to use eye drops three times before getting my contacts jammed in my bleary eyes.. I want sleep!
In unrelated news..(or possibly related news, I can't tell anymore) I took my Chihuahua for a run with me last night. I actually had a woman slow down to stare as I jogged past with a tiny little dog running next to me full bore..I think she either thought I was loco or that I should be arrested for animal cruelty. Cheech actually did really well, he had a full gallop going for about one full block before he decided that he really wasn't peeing on enough trees and he was tired of running like he stole something, so we had to slow it down so he could take a crap in front of the house with the "keep your pets moving" sign (haha, I really enjoyed NOT cleaning that up!) and then decided he wanted to turn around and go home, so home we went. He totally passed out on the floor when we got home and then pulled himself to his water bowl for a drink before stretching back out to cool his belly on the hardwood. I am thinking he actually enjoyed himself since he had a huge puppy grin on his face for almost a half an hour. I think that, with regular training, I can get him up to a full "round the block" run within a month..he is such a couch potato!

Anywho...I am going to go back to my "trying like hell to keep my eyes open so when the boss drops by my desk he dosen't make me crap myself" initiative for the day.