Not Shocking.

So the general consensus appears to be that feeling like everyone in your life is trying to make you feel inadequate and taking over how you should be raising your child is (wait for it.....) Completely Normal. I shouldn't be shocked. I know. Especially in the overly large, outspoken Italian family I was born into where I am the youngest child by 7 years and was pretty much always treated like I have no idea what I am doing. Usually I am okay with that because I can just let someone take care of the hard stuff for me, but this is different. This I can do. This I want to do. I am an ADULT. I am the parent. I don't know how to prove that to anyone and I am just so damn angry that I have to...

Question of the Week

I’m learning that motherhood is actually not as difficult as I feared but the challenges I didn’t anticipate are turning out to be quite the rollercoaster…
How do you decide if something is a big enough issue to start an argument over? If you have tried to tell the same people the same thing over and over again, when do you decide to escalate it to the next level and put your cards on the table and finally say “Enough is Enough” and start a good old fashioned rumble? I feel as though every time I make an effort to reach out, I get my hand slapped for not having abided by some invisible rule book that I never got the opportunity to read. I am sick and tired of being ignored, being told I don’t know what is best for my daughter and being told that my wishes do not matter. Most of all being made to feel as though I am being over careful and reckless at the same time because I won’t let her play with certain things or eat certain things and yet waited until she was 8 months old to move her crib mattress down. I watch my daughter’s development every day. I keep track of what she has eaten and if she has had any reactions to any food or dairy product. I am extremely careful with my daughter and I also make sure that she spends as much time as possible bubbling over with great big belly laughs. I love my little girl more than I ever thought I could love. Period. My every moment is spent carefully considering her every need and balancing what is best with what is fun. I also want to make sure that her father and I get to share in all of her “first moments” and I feel like those are getting stolen. She is her father’s daughter. She is my daughter. She is ours. I refuse to feel badly regarding spending time with her alone for family weekends. I refuse the guilt trips. I refuse the anxiety attacks. I refuse to feel badly and give up my precious two days out of seven that I get to see her uninterrupted by work and stress.

I'm feeling a little hormonal and grumpy today.

I have recently gone off on a tangent about the following (a wrap up):
People having an opinion on my birth plan. (I don't really care what you think, it's my vagina. FYI.)
Returning to work after my matrnity leave.
Gift registries (I am freaked out that no one will buy from the registry and my baby will have to sleep in a box.)
And finally..Motherhood in general and how everyone wants to tell me exactly how little I know and how much I have to learn. (if you can't be supportive and not make me feel worthless then jump off)

Also, I would punch my grandma for some soft serve ice cream.

Weekly round up..

Things are moving right along on the pregnancy front. I will randomly get all bajiggity regarding how much time has passed and how little I feel like we have accomplished. We are currently in the process of emptying out our office/guest room/catch all to transform it into a little baby wonderland which is proving much more stressful that I assumed it would be. We have a ton of crap and it isn’t necessarily easy to figure out where to put it or how to dispose of it. I really wish I could just get everything thrown out in one weekend so I could get it off my mind but it isn’t just up to me since the majority of the stuff in there is the husbands so I have to be patient and I absolutely suck at that. Sheesh, I am getting stressed out just writing about it. On to better topics...


I finally got registered at Penney’s and Target for baby stuff so that is taken care of. I feel badly because pretty much 85% of what I registered for is online only so you can’t just head out and pick it up on a whim but at least I have my list together. It is amazing how much stuff you need that you don’t think about prior to actually nearing your 3rd trimester. There is a ton of stuff on the registry that I never contemplated needing but evidently you just can’t live without it. I suppose a wipe warmer makes sense as a wet cold wipe on a sensitive bum would be a bit shocking for an infant but I had never heard of such a thing! Back in the planning stages all I thought about was what colors to paint and all the cute things I wanted to buy our baby and thought I had it all planned out. Total BS. I hadn’t a clue what we would actually need to embark on this endeavor! Wowzers..so for any of my friends are checking my registry I do apologize..there is a lot of crap on it and I will be purchasing plenty on the list as well but I had to use it to gather my thoughts as to what functional items we would require as well. I am a tad bit overwhelmed. I trust most of you have been there and will reserve judgment on the level of my ridiculousness for that reason. Thanks in advance ;)

crap.

It finally happened. Massive migraine freakout. I lost vision, had numbness and nausea and had to go to the PromptCare to see a doctor (against my nurses advice, who wanted me to go directly to the hospital) and get a prescription for codeine. Remind me tot to google side effects of medicateions during pregnancy.

Quick lesson...Pregnancy = Fear

No, seriously...
I am suppressing a constant fear that I am somehow doing something completely wrong, therefore breaking the baby. Perhaps I am not eating spinach or fruit often enough..perhaps I am eating the WRONG fruit..Maybe I forgot to wash the lettuce and now have enough pesticides in my system to give my baby a sixth toe. It goes on and on..
Then there is the money issue...
Before you begin to work on the whole knocked up thing, you go over your finances. a lot. Once you figure everything out and realize that you totally have this ish under control you start going to town like rabbits, right? Right. Then the magical day comes when you pee on a stick and get two lines (Halleluia!! My ovaries work and my husband has good swimmers!!) Right after that wonderful, incredible, blissed out moment you realize something...YOU WILL NEVER MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO SUPPORT THIS AWESOME NEW LIFE!!! WHAT IF THE BABY ACTUALLY WANTS TO GO TO HARVARD??? WHAT IF THEY DECIDE TO BACKPACK IN EUROPE AFTER HIGH SCHOOL??????? WHAT IF THEY LIKE TO EAT AT RESTAURANTS???????HOLY SHITBALLS, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??????????????????????
I've been alternating those thoughts in my brain on a constant basis, like a mental jukebox with ADHD.  Don't even mention the word breastfeeding..

I just need to get this off my chest

I assume by now that everyone out there knows I am pregnant..mostly because I can't seem to stop myself from being all blah blah blah, me me me, bloating, sick, IknowyouhatemebutIcantstoprunningmystupidmouth...
I actually deleted this blog and I think it was just a subconscious desire to attempt to silence myself because I am positive that I am going to annoy and alienate absolutely everyone I know with my new brand of crazy. I really wish I could promise that I will shut the eff up soon and learn to deal but that seems to be the main skill I lack right now. To be completely honest I am terrified and can't stop obsessing about everything and I think I am losing the grip I had on my OCD and I am slowly falling into a scary-ass land of compulsive obsessing and depression and exhaustion and fear. I keep being told that this is all normal and it is hormones but I honestly don't believe that and then I obsess about the fact that I think I am losing my mind..I guess I just want to apologize to everyone for having to put up with me and promise to just shut my damn trap so maybe I can make this feeling that everyone is annoyed by me to go away..
Yeah this totally isn't making me feel better or look any better..
Damn it.

I'm sorry that I don't have a "on a funny note" for this one..
I should probably delete this blog again.

The past is never really gone.

*UPDATED*


Okay, let me just throw it out there like old bread...Today is not a good day.
16 years ago tonight my first real boyfriend ever (writing our name together in little hearts, punched my V card, all that biz) died in a car accident. I think on some level I have been on edge since waking up this morning, then I realized it when setting my voicemail for work.. You can literally hear it on my voicemail...when I pause and spit the date out.. Just once I would love to be able to let this date slide by unnoticed but I guess it isn't going to happen.
Man, 16 years..it is like looking back on someone else's memories. I am not even remotely the same person I was before but I can't say if that is for the better or worse..I was reckless back then, now I am overly cautious with everything, overly sensitive and completely shut people out when I feel abandoned. To quote Leonard Cohen, "Maybe there's a God above, but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya, and it's not a cry that I hear at night, It's not someone who has seen the light..it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah".
I guess in terms of having changed I should just look at it as: I was 14 years old, I mean really..I was a child. I look at 14 year olds now and I can't believe I was ever that young or silly and wrapped up in love.
Please know, I wouldn't change anything about my life now, I am truly happy. I have the most incredible husband and we will (God willing) be starting a family soon,  I guess I am just remembering the time when I never thought I would get here and I tried to destroy practically everything around me. I really wish I had one of the Men in Black flashy things so I could just wipe some memories out so they didn't randomly jump up and attack me without warning..I don't much enjoy remembering any of the year or two after the accident..
One last thing..If you are going to do something really really stupid or reckless, think first about how it can have repurcusions for the rest of your family and friends lives, especially if you won't be around to pick up the pieces..

Foot in Mouth day

Today is not my friend.
First of all, I broke the cardinal rule of Reply All. Craptastic.
I managed to send a VERY snarky email out to my entire team..I r genius.
Luckily my boss actually agreed with my message (not my attitude, I am sure) and sent a follow up email to the team regarding my original message. Then I managed to cut off a dear friend on my drive into the office from lunch, I didn't know it was him until he managed to get up along side me to wave, with his two sons in the car. I am a total jackass today. TOTAL JACKASS. Sheesh.

Oh crap! I almost forgot!!
I also forwarded a nice client email I received to my boss, while adding a note that a co-worker thought that we should be provided Frosty's for our hard work...and auto correct changed it to Fourty's. I asked my boss for fourty's.

I am awesome.

We may get a little personal, but I am told that is what a blog is for..

I like my life, I really really do. I have everything anyone could ever want. Don't get me wrong, I am not rich, I do not drive a Bentley and I live in a modest 2 bedroom house about five minutes from the center of "all that is wrong with government", Illinois (The capital building in Springfield). What I DO have is possibly the world's most incredible husband and an adorable loving puppy. I have a job that I am good at and a boss that really does respect me and acknowledge all my hard work. This IS the american dream. I understand that. So why do I feel like I am, a)being selfish and b)about to upset the wonderful balance I have managed to achieve, in my sudden quest to have a baby. Am I the only person that has had this struggle? Is it just my OCD telling me that everything is about to implode?
On the flipside..Why isn't it working yet? People get knocked up with the help of SoCo every weekend as far as I can tell, so why is it so difficult to get knocked up when you are FREAKING TRYING TO! Seriously?!?! Are my ovaries lazy?? I don't want to end up taking my temperature every 10 minutes, but evidently I have absolutely NO CLUE what my body is doing. This is frustrating, especially since I am equally terrified of having a baby and not being able to get pregnant. I have no idea what I should be feeling anymore.. I am excited about the future but terrified about the turn the world seems to be taking (including, but not limited to: the state of education, the state of the economy, the unrest between contries and the all too present terror threat, and last but not least, the crazy people that do terrible things for no reason right here in our country.)

I am starting to see that this IS probably the OCD..Hello there, therapy.

Anyway, I just felt a need to unload. Sometimes the weight of things just build up until the weight of nothing can become so heavy that getting out of bed becomes a struggle, and I do not want to get to that point. I know that everything will be fine, and everything is going to work out. Hubby tells me that every time I get freaked out and I trust him completely.
I am just a little surprised that, at 30, I could be this freaked out about taking this next step. I guess we are all just a tentative child inside when it comes to making big decisions.

I had cupcakes and yet today still makes me want to go back to bed..

I had a cupcake for breakfast, usually that would make my day. Add in a cup of Blue Mountain Coffee and it becomes a stellar day, however, it appears the day is dead set on mocking me. While doing my makeup I shook my powder only to find that the top wasn't on and then had to clean everything and dump out my coffee since an inordinant amount of Bare Minerals was floating in it. I attempted to do my hair only to spray watermelon body spray instead of bed head beach waves spray in it (I smell like a 12 year old) then tried to towel dry it out with the towel I cleaned up all the powder with. awesome.

I still managed to get out of the house on time to go get the tags for the car (that was a win) but didn't have the time to stop for coffee which sucked. a lot. I also found out I am out of the Starbucks Via so no coffee for me since I won't pay $5 a month to drink the bobcat urine they call coffee here.

Then I went over the check book only to realize that I forgot to pay the electic and gas companies and have been spending money that wasn't "disposable" after all. freaking sweet. I should be getting my dumbass award any day now.

I also warn everyone that today is my boring late shift so you will be getting multiple blogs.

kindawannascreamtodayohmygodimissvacationandihavetopeeevery20minutesandnoIAMNOTPREGNANTYET

Hmmmm..that was pretty much all I had to say..yup. This monthly gift of mine just keeps on showing up and it is starting to really really really REALLY piss me off. Whatever...more money for me. I am going to need to shop for fall anyway. I really really REALLY miss Jamaica. I think my ovaries are lazy, by the way..or they are just total failures, oh well... This is pretty much just a TMI blog today..I will not be posting this to facebook or twitter, this is just a venting blog. I hate everything today. Someone bring me a damn cupcake.

today is nuts-o

I am late again and have had an absolutely insane day..Crazy with the productivity, I am..don't you know.
I think I am slap-happy. All I want to do is go home and wash my face, put on my cozies and snuggle my pup (and husband..he is cute as well) and eat the indian lentils and rice my husband promised me this morning. (that is kind of a lie..I totally want to head home and do all those things while Jon Bon Jovi follows me around with an acoustic guitar singing to me softly..but that isn't bloodly likely, now is it?) (oookay, just to be honest..if I am going to say that Jon will be in my house with me after work I think we can just erase the husband and the puppy from the evening and I would leave my makeup on. Also no snuggly pants...actually, no pants)
Well then. Next subject.
How about a new weekly "random crap no one needs to know about me" round up??

Right on. Here we go.

I am allergic to venom. I have a doctors note to prove it.
I will not go in my basement after dark unless there is a tornado screaming over head.
This is related to the venom issue, and the invisible ninja spider that lives down there, despite my assassins multiple attempts to disarm him.
It is crazy lonely in this office when you are alone in a storm.
I do not like tootsey rolls.
I also do not know how they spell tootsey.
I love perfume but am allergic to it.
If I spend too long in a Sephora, I will get a migraine. Every. Damn. Time.
I am awesome.
I am running out of crap to say.
I am addicted to caffeine.
I will, on occasion, offer to punch my grandma for a snickers.
shush, she is a tough old bird, she could totally take me in a fight.
My great grandmo used to threaten to give us a "fishy fishy" if we didn't eat, then she would back hand us in the head.
To this day, I am convinced that people in Italy hit each other with fish.
I just realized that italian women become oddly violent regarding their food.
Full legal name has more characters that the alphabet.
Still an hour and a half to go..Damn it.
Scooter my daisey heads.
I did that to see if I could confuse you..
Also so Mrs C can post the inevitable retort.
There is a scary rumble over head and I am surrounded by windows.
Living in the Midwest is crap.
I have cramps.
I posted my resume on Monster and every life insurance company in the USA has now offered me a position. I turned them all down. because I have standards. and a job.
I am now bored with this.
Blog fail.

so sleepy

I have no clue what my issue is, I am so fricking tired and grumpy today that I think someone is pushing my self-destruct button. I have the worst allergies right now (hello Illinois summer) and the stupid nighttime sudafed is clearly killing me 12 HOURS LATER..WTF?!?!?!? Isn't this stuff supposed to wear off so you can proceed with your life as planned?? I could fall asleep right now, I think it gave me narcolepsy. This ought to be fun..
Pleasepleasepleaseplease be done by friday, I can't be sick for my Chicago weekend!