This one is a little rough. Don't say I didn't warn you...

Today is 10 pounds of suck in a 8 pound bag.


There is really no other way I can describe today… I am having a rough one and it isn’t due to anything that has happened directly to me. I am upset that I am currently located smack dab in the middle of two other locations in the country that need me (or don’t? I don’t know.) I wish I was in Iowa so I could talk with my cousin, who I think could use someone to vent to or a drinking buddy, at the very least. I also wish I was in South Carolina with my best friend and her daughter who are having a suck fest of their own. I hate being far away from the people that I love. HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE it! This brings me to the root of most problems that have been causing problems in my loved ones lives lately and I feel that I need to vent a bit. I feel I should warn my readers that I do not give two shits if this offends anyone. If you are a parent, the main requirement is now and ALWAYS HAS BEEN that you love your child. Simple, right? Yes. Okay. Let’s get a little more complicated in the next step. Now, you also need to put your child’s needs ahead of your own. Okay, who did I confuse? Anyone? If I did, then STEP THE FUCK OUT OF THE GODDAMNED GENE POOL! Now (Holy Shitballs y’all. It is gonna get tough but I promise this is the last step. Toughen up!) Read the first requirement. Now read the second requirement. See that first one? See that second one? Okay, this is the last one. Re-read them. Re-read them again. THAT LASTS FOR YOUR CHILD’S ENTIRE LIFE!

If you can’t handle that, let me know and I will drop by at your leisure and sterilize you free of charge.



Have a wonderful day.

an update and a warning.

I am in the world’s shittiest mood and I still have no information from my doctor. Evidently my liver test was fine and they have no clue when the bile test (the actual test to diagnose cholestasis) will be back. He thinks perhaps I should just see a dermatologist for a rash that I don’t even have. I also wonder what the fuck he thinks a dermatologist will be able to do for my insomnia and nausea. Perhaps a dermatologist could also deliver my baby? Ass. I am seriously about a day from just giving up on eating or sleeping and my next appointment is on Monday so my outlook isn’t too great, as you can tell. Since the wonderful Dr. can’t come up with a course of treatment I guess I will just have to go with no sleep and no food until he can come up with a better fucking plan or at least decide to read the actual notes on my visit with Dr. Hany from Thursday and come up with something better. I am so sick of this I don’t even care anymore. I give up.

I am AWFUL at being pregnant, even my organs are ticked.

I am currently waiting on the results of a Bile Salts Lab and a liver function test. Awesome. Evidently they think my body is so cranky about being pregnant that my liver and gallbladder aren't even on speaking terms at this point. If my bile levels are elevated then I am moved to high risk and either put on bed rest (I'm totally cool with that since I can't sleep at all anymore) or admitted to the hospital for constant monitoring (Not cool with this at all). The main issue will be that currently my liver is running Baby Girl's liver and if my liver is being a total douche then they will have to harvest Baby Girl from my womb at 37 weeks for her safety. My liver may be an asshole. We shall see if my labs ever come back. I am not terribly hopeful as I have all of the damn symptoms of this issue (called Cholestasis of Pregnancy) which just so happens to be the oddest mix of symptoms EVER. Seriously, who would think that the following list of sympton would even be related let alone a symptom of liver malfunction? Syptoms include: Itching of the soles of your feet and palms of your hands (insane freaking itching that makes you serioulsy consider shaving off your skin at 1 a.m.? (check)), Insomnia (check), Depression (check), Nausea (gorp. blargh. blech. (check)), upper quadrant pain (this actually makes sense since that is where your liver is. (check.)) and jaundice (nope.). I will say that the doctor gave me a very tiny script of Ambien and warned not to take it unless absolutely necessary and not two nights in a row due to the addictive nature of the drug. I have taken it twice since my appt and I have to tell you that I totally see why people will get addicted. It was not only the best sleep I have ever had but I woke up feeling like myself for the first time in months. It was amazing. It felt like I slept on a cloud while angels brushed my hair and whispered sweet words of encouragement and told me everything would be alright. I haven't been that relaxed since November. Ambien is clearly dangerous.

Warning: This is extremely bitchy and you should probably not read it.

This weekend blew. Well, let me correct that…HALF of this weekend blew. A friend of mine offered to do pregnancy pictures for me and at first I refused because I am ridiculously vain and honestly am not terribly comfortable in this new body but then I agreed and ended up having a wonderful time, so THAT was the good part. We then went to a cookout with friends and had a great time as well, up until I decided the day had been long enough and my feet were large enough while my husband decided that beer tastes like heaven and forgot to give a crap about hugely pregnant wife in 80 degree weather. So I left him there. I went home and showered off the hours of sweat and ran to the store to get puppy treats and then made the puppy dinner (he is on a special diet) which he was 2 ½ hours overdue for. I text the husband to offer to come get him but he decided he would stay and find his own way home about 2 hours later. I am sure the women out there can see the issue as the next morning was Mother’s Day. Husband came home and went straight to bed and then commenced snoring so loud that I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I honestly would have smothered him if I hadn’t decided to just go downstairs to try to sleep on the couch. (Pregnancy tip: It is impossible to get comfortable on a couch at 7 months pregnant. Do not even attempt.) I did manage to catch up on my DVR’d soaps and last weeks One Tree Hill so that was nice and just as I managed to fall asleep Husband decided to come downstairs in his stupor to get some Advil (hangovers are a bitch, eh?) turning on lights and waking me up AGAIN. So after less than 3 hours of sleep I finally hauled my butt up and decided to just shower and take the puppy out to my mom’s house to give her her card and LO AND BEHOLD, who is magically awake and asking me where I am going? Husband. Oh goody. I informed him I was going to my mothers and he should attempt to remember to do the same while I am gone. (this will figure back into the story later.) I then leave after biting my tongue when he asked if I wanted to do anything for Mothers day when I got back. (My mind had a lot to say on this one...”I had assumed that being hung over and ignoring me was how you had planned to spend my first mother’s day” or “oh I am so sorry, I forgot to make plans to celebrate for you. How about you just go back to sleep and I will think of something?”) but I just mentioned that I was surprised he knew it was mother’s day and walked out. Puppy and I went to my mom’s and had a nice sit outside and talked and then I headed home...to receive a card (sweet card, perhaps something hand written inside would have worked though, huh?) and some hydrangeas from the “holy shit, I am stupid and need to fix this with my wife pronto” last minute selection at the grocery store and the promise of a spa day after the wee one makes her arrival. Sure. I will put that on my calendar. He also asked if I would like to put my microwaved leftovers away and get brunch (a hint I had less than subtly dropped about a week earlier.) I figured that belonged in the “Too late” category and ate the leftovers and went up for a nap, exhausted from 3 hours of sleep and rage, and woke to an empty house at dinner time. Huh. No note to be found but the absence of the fern he buys his mother every year led me to believe he had taken his mother’s day present to her for dinner time as they were planning on cooking out. Awesome. Dinner will now be coming from the microwave again. Sweet. I cleaned the house, fed the puppy dinner and arranged some laundry while he was having (what I assume to be a lovely and pre-planned) Mother’s Day with his family. He offered to make me whatever I wanted upon his return and by that point cooking would have taken us into the evening news so a steamed veggie pouch in sauce and a couple of pop tarts were dinner. (Pregnancy tip: blueberry pop tarts will kind of taste like pie if you concentrate real hard.)

At this point I would like to explain exactly why I was upset. I am getting a lovely present that we had ordered together last week (a beautiful custom baby memories book from Etsy) This isn’t about a present. In fact, at this stage I would like to spend as little money as possible. I am upset at the lack of forethought and courtesy on what I had hoped would be a wonderful day that I could remember as my first mother’s day with my husband and pup and the little gymnast in my tummy. What I got was some last minute flowers and a card and a day full of silence and pouting because I was mad at him. Pregnancy hormones are not to be fucked with and I simply do not have the necessary skills to stop being angry about this. I have tried various tried and true ways to get over it such as crying it out, and screaming to music in my car. Nothing is working. I guess time will tell…

I apologize for such an angry hormonal post so I will now make it up to you with a picture of a cuddly animal. Here you go.

I'm feeling a little hormonal and grumpy today.

I have recently gone off on a tangent about the following (a wrap up):
People having an opinion on my birth plan. (I don't really care what you think, it's my vagina. FYI.)
Returning to work after my matrnity leave.
Gift registries (I am freaked out that no one will buy from the registry and my baby will have to sleep in a box.)
And finally..Motherhood in general and how everyone wants to tell me exactly how little I know and how much I have to learn. (if you can't be supportive and not make me feel worthless then jump off)

Also, I would punch my grandma for some soft serve ice cream.

FYI, Yes I will be returning to work

I was just emailing my best friend when she sent me a link to a blog about how bitchy people can get about working moms and daycare. I am beginning to feel quite strongly about this issue as I have recently been receiving the "Ohhh, You WILL be going back to work after the baby??" question in the tone of voice that suggests that I may not be a great mom or perhaps I should have waited until we could afford a child instead of paying strangers to raise her. I'd like to clear something up right now. I will be returning to work and the reasons are not purely financial. I am good at what I do. I like what I do. I feel good about doing what I do. I am positive there will be days that I will hate leaving my baby girl but I have selected a fantastic home day care where I am completely comfortable with her being. I am diagnosed with OCD and being able to say that I finally have a puppy sitter that I trust took almost 7 years so trust me that this daycare thing was a big deal. A very BIG DEAL. I have been using smart ass humor to end the conversation up to this point (i.e. My answer has mainly been that I have to go back to work to support our coke habit, if you think the price of gas has gone up you would be amazed at the current mark up on pharmaceutical grade cocaine!) and if people don't know that that is a joke then they can just eff right off. I have nothing against being a stay at home mom, I was raised by a stay at home mom who took care of all four of us kids and kept a beautiful home on top of that. God bless her. I would also like to tell you what else my mom excelled at: she taught my sister and me to be independent and speak our mind and never rely on anyone for anything that you can provide for yourself. This isn't a reflection on my parent’s marriage in any way as they are still happily married after what seems like eons. I am pretty sure around 50 years, in fact. This was just the way she wanted us to behave so that she knew we would be able to take care of ourselves in the face of any obstacle. I am happily married (heading to year 11 already! Time sure flies!) and expecting my first baby and I plan on raising my daughter the exact same way. I just hope by the time I am welcoming my first grand baby that people will have a much more evolved view of the working mother. I am embarking on working two full time jobs and I simply couldn't be happier. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, you judgmental old bags.

Weekly round up..

Things are moving right along on the pregnancy front. I will randomly get all bajiggity regarding how much time has passed and how little I feel like we have accomplished. We are currently in the process of emptying out our office/guest room/catch all to transform it into a little baby wonderland which is proving much more stressful that I assumed it would be. We have a ton of crap and it isn’t necessarily easy to figure out where to put it or how to dispose of it. I really wish I could just get everything thrown out in one weekend so I could get it off my mind but it isn’t just up to me since the majority of the stuff in there is the husbands so I have to be patient and I absolutely suck at that. Sheesh, I am getting stressed out just writing about it. On to better topics...


I finally got registered at Penney’s and Target for baby stuff so that is taken care of. I feel badly because pretty much 85% of what I registered for is online only so you can’t just head out and pick it up on a whim but at least I have my list together. It is amazing how much stuff you need that you don’t think about prior to actually nearing your 3rd trimester. There is a ton of stuff on the registry that I never contemplated needing but evidently you just can’t live without it. I suppose a wipe warmer makes sense as a wet cold wipe on a sensitive bum would be a bit shocking for an infant but I had never heard of such a thing! Back in the planning stages all I thought about was what colors to paint and all the cute things I wanted to buy our baby and thought I had it all planned out. Total BS. I hadn’t a clue what we would actually need to embark on this endeavor! Wowzers..so for any of my friends are checking my registry I do apologize..there is a lot of crap on it and I will be purchasing plenty on the list as well but I had to use it to gather my thoughts as to what functional items we would require as well. I am a tad bit overwhelmed. I trust most of you have been there and will reserve judgment on the level of my ridiculousness for that reason. Thanks in advance ;)

Managing Expectations in Life

In business, managing your client’s expectations up front can save a lot of time and stress in the future for everyone involved. In life, the same is absolutely true. I have learned that when dealing with people who have hurt you, you can't continue to expect something that someone is just not willing to provide. In this respect the only thing you can control is how you manage your expectations of the relationship. We all have many complicated relationships revolving around us at all times and it is completely understandable that we would hope to have each of those be completely equal and fulfilling be it friend, acquaintance, lover or family but the odds of that happening are slim. The best way to proceed once this has been proven is to immediately reevaluate the situation and take you out of the equation. I tend to be very sensitive and I dwell on situations that I have no control over. In this respect I have left myself open to a lot of unnecessary heartache. The most important lessons I have learned are these: You can’t control others actions, only your reactions and that YOU teach people how to treat you. If you are constantly stuck in the same cycle in relationships then the only thing that you can do to mitigate any further emotional stress or pain is to work to control how you let the relationship affect your life. We CAN control who is in our lives and how much power we give them, if they prove unworthy then all you have to do is take the power away and move on knowing that you did what you could and you had control over your own part of the relationship. When any relationship becomes too much work and not enough reward then all you can do is be honest and move on. Learning this truth can really take a weight off of our shoulders and let you rest and this emotional baggage is the best kind of weight to lose.

OMG STFU *SMH*

I am having one of the days that just won't end..actually I am having one of those WEEKS! I am running super low on patience and am having a harder and harder time not randomly snapping at people who appear to just be talking to hear their own voice..Hormones are a Bi-atch! (and so am I, for the record)
In good news of the blogging about my pregnancy variety, it appears that the morning sickness is beginning to level out and my first trimester officially is over on wednesday. I am still unable to sleep more that 3 consecutive hours a night and can't breathe for crap if laying down (This is a sinus issue but I can't have ANY GOOD DRUGS!) (sigh) I am back to liking my normal foods and eating on a normal schedule which is awesome because I freaking love eating, seriously..chinese, pasta, greek..Bring it ON! I still am just eating many small meals a day and if I mess up the rotation then I will still get nauseous so I have to pay attention to how long it has been since I ate (2 hours=Grab a snack! 4hours=Grab a puke bucket) I may be getting the hang of this pregnancy thing but what I really miss is my old friends..you know..Topomax, Xanax, Vicodin..I can't wait to be able to hang out with those guys again! I am seriously on 6 months without my migraine medication (SUCK) and 4 months without anything for anxiety (not a big deal except that crazy hormone changes give you awful anxiety attacks, on top of my already overactive OCD.) and no pain meds besides Tylenol (HA!) to use when I get a migraine.  I seriously miss sleeping and not having headaches. I understand that this is all worth it (For serious, I wish I could listen to that heartbeat every day. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard) but sometimes when I am pacing with a migraine and can't get any relief, I get a little frustrated. I'm human. I am an overly emotional, sometimes highly excitable and always exhausted human. All of that being said, however, I can not wait until our next sonogram. I am dying to see this little face!!!

I just need to get this off my chest

I assume by now that everyone out there knows I am pregnant..mostly because I can't seem to stop myself from being all blah blah blah, me me me, bloating, sick, IknowyouhatemebutIcantstoprunningmystupidmouth...
I actually deleted this blog and I think it was just a subconscious desire to attempt to silence myself because I am positive that I am going to annoy and alienate absolutely everyone I know with my new brand of crazy. I really wish I could promise that I will shut the eff up soon and learn to deal but that seems to be the main skill I lack right now. To be completely honest I am terrified and can't stop obsessing about everything and I think I am losing the grip I had on my OCD and I am slowly falling into a scary-ass land of compulsive obsessing and depression and exhaustion and fear. I keep being told that this is all normal and it is hormones but I honestly don't believe that and then I obsess about the fact that I think I am losing my mind..I guess I just want to apologize to everyone for having to put up with me and promise to just shut my damn trap so maybe I can make this feeling that everyone is annoyed by me to go away..
Yeah this totally isn't making me feel better or look any better..
Damn it.

I'm sorry that I don't have a "on a funny note" for this one..
I should probably delete this blog again.

Fill in the blank here

I use my blog to vent and waste time a lot, that is pretty much why I have it. Feel free to not read it if it dosen't interest you, I won't mind.
I just thought maybe it is time that I offer to help others vent, so here you go!

Fill in the blanks.

When I hear someone jabering on and on about nonsense, it makes me want to  _______.

When I see injustice in our world, it makes me feel ________.

When I am spoken over it makes me _______.

Now some happy exercises..

When I hear a baby laugh, I think of ____________.

When I think about my closest relative, I remember the time we ___________.

When I am surrounded by people that think I am one of a kind awesome, I am ________.


How about you guys????

little more venting..

Here is my next question...How many of you all have a friend who isn't really your friend at all...you are THEIR friend, but they aren't your friend in return...Why should I feel obligated to show up and support everything about your life when you can't be bothered to show up for one single thing that is important to me?? Seriously, why would I want to be friends with you?? I think I have old relationships that I am just playing a role in..I am always there to help them out, other them support, find them what they need and I never see them otherwise. This is total BS and it ends here.

drama, competition and jackassery...

Three things I can't freaking stand. This is especially true when I am trying quite hard to stay out of all three and yet it seems I am getting sucked in against my will. I am not in direct competition with anyone..ever. If that changes, trust me, you will all know! I am not shady and I try to support everyone in my life with love and respect. Do I get pissed off? Heck yeah! Do I vent when I am pissed off? You bet your sweet ass! Do I try to be a great friend at all time? Of course, but I am human...
I'm not quite sure what I am getting at but I felt it just needed to be said.

We may get a little personal, but I am told that is what a blog is for..

I like my life, I really really do. I have everything anyone could ever want. Don't get me wrong, I am not rich, I do not drive a Bentley and I live in a modest 2 bedroom house about five minutes from the center of "all that is wrong with government", Illinois (The capital building in Springfield). What I DO have is possibly the world's most incredible husband and an adorable loving puppy. I have a job that I am good at and a boss that really does respect me and acknowledge all my hard work. This IS the american dream. I understand that. So why do I feel like I am, a)being selfish and b)about to upset the wonderful balance I have managed to achieve, in my sudden quest to have a baby. Am I the only person that has had this struggle? Is it just my OCD telling me that everything is about to implode?
On the flipside..Why isn't it working yet? People get knocked up with the help of SoCo every weekend as far as I can tell, so why is it so difficult to get knocked up when you are FREAKING TRYING TO! Seriously?!?! Are my ovaries lazy?? I don't want to end up taking my temperature every 10 minutes, but evidently I have absolutely NO CLUE what my body is doing. This is frustrating, especially since I am equally terrified of having a baby and not being able to get pregnant. I have no idea what I should be feeling anymore.. I am excited about the future but terrified about the turn the world seems to be taking (including, but not limited to: the state of education, the state of the economy, the unrest between contries and the all too present terror threat, and last but not least, the crazy people that do terrible things for no reason right here in our country.)

I am starting to see that this IS probably the OCD..Hello there, therapy.

Anyway, I just felt a need to unload. Sometimes the weight of things just build up until the weight of nothing can become so heavy that getting out of bed becomes a struggle, and I do not want to get to that point. I know that everything will be fine, and everything is going to work out. Hubby tells me that every time I get freaked out and I trust him completely.
I am just a little surprised that, at 30, I could be this freaked out about taking this next step. I guess we are all just a tentative child inside when it comes to making big decisions.

kindawannascreamtodayohmygodimissvacationandihavetopeeevery20minutesandnoIAMNOTPREGNANTYET

Hmmmm..that was pretty much all I had to say..yup. This monthly gift of mine just keeps on showing up and it is starting to really really really REALLY piss me off. Whatever...more money for me. I am going to need to shop for fall anyway. I really really REALLY miss Jamaica. I think my ovaries are lazy, by the way..or they are just total failures, oh well... This is pretty much just a TMI blog today..I will not be posting this to facebook or twitter, this is just a venting blog. I hate everything today. Someone bring me a damn cupcake.

vacation was incredible...work is not as incredible

WHY DID I COME BACK FROM JAMAICA???????

It was gorgeous, relaxing, oceanside paradise and now I am here. In my cube farm. Answering phones.

What the hell, dude.

I miss Jamaica.

feel free to skip this as I may get a little political..

I really prefer not to discuss politics with people I like (because I want to continue to like them) but this whole "burning the Koran' thing is absolutely ridiculous. In fact, I have a friend who is asking everyone he knows to buy a Koran on September 11th to prove to the world that Americans as a whole are not a "hate filled nation of complete hypocrites" and I support this movement 110%. The pastor in Florida is turning Radical Christians against a religion that doesn’t in ANY WAY promote terror ideals. Now we have a set of Radical Christians inciting a group of Radical Islamists..How much freaking sense does this make? This country was "supposedly" founded on the ideal of religious freedom (I doubt the people we stole the land from agree, however.) and to continue to hunt and persecute people who do not agree with Christianity is inhumane, un-American and, most of all, against the fucking LAW.

You may be able to tell that I am not pleased. This makes me angry.

I am going to have to rename this blog soon..

I am pretty sure that my three readers know how miserable I have been lately..I think I should seriously rename this thing to "How Angie is Surviving Work Until She Pulls a Slater and Drinks Beer On A Plane's Emergency Slide"

I will get right on that..in the interim I have decided to post snippets of lyrics that have helped me survive so far..

---------------------------------------------------------

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist, or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in, I refuse
-Foo Fighters-Best Of You

------------------------------------------------------------------

If you're not angry
you're just stupid
or you don't care
how else can you react
when you know
something's so unfair
the men of the hour
can kill half the world in war
make them slaves to a super power
and let them die poor

I was locked
into being my mother's daughter
I was just eating bread and water
thinking
nothing ever changes
and I was shocked
to see the mistakes of each generation
will just fade like a radio station
if you drive out of range
-Ani DiFranco-Out of Range

------------------------------------------------------------------

and you just KNOW there will be some Bon Jovi, right..here we go..

Always thought I'd die young
In these hands I've held the gun
But it's too late for dying
Now there's nothing worth hiding
I've lost love lived with shame
I was humbled by my fall from grace
On the steps of decision
It's revenge or forgiveness

Halle Halle
We're one breath away
Halle Halle
From our judgement day
-Bon Jovi-Learn to Love

There you go..I have reverted to using other songs to get through since I appear to have lost the ability to write anything worth a damn myself..I can't wait until vacation..

Ever get that feeling..

That no matter how hard you work it won't make a difference? I'm there..
I am sick of this and I would prefer to walk out right now. I do not want a job where I am held accountable for others mistakes and no matter how I fix it I still end up the one that is blamed. I am just done. I am trying everything I can do to not cry at my desk right now and it isn't working very well..and if you know me at all you know I pretty much only cry when I am angry and then I just get more frustrated with myself. I just don't think I am cut out for this...Dear GOd, I need a new job.

holyshitballsmakeitstop!!!

I desperatley need to be done with today so that I can go directly back to bed..I am sick as shit and sitting here at work until 7:30 PM because I AM A ROCKSTAR EMPLOYEE, PEOPLE. I have tried to be pleasant and nice on the phone but damn it, I just can't do it anymore for today..plus the damned air keeps clicking on and off constantly over my head and I am going to freaking bash it with an office chair at any moment..be right back, I need to go throw up again..