an update and a warning.

I am in the world’s shittiest mood and I still have no information from my doctor. Evidently my liver test was fine and they have no clue when the bile test (the actual test to diagnose cholestasis) will be back. He thinks perhaps I should just see a dermatologist for a rash that I don’t even have. I also wonder what the fuck he thinks a dermatologist will be able to do for my insomnia and nausea. Perhaps a dermatologist could also deliver my baby? Ass. I am seriously about a day from just giving up on eating or sleeping and my next appointment is on Monday so my outlook isn’t too great, as you can tell. Since the wonderful Dr. can’t come up with a course of treatment I guess I will just have to go with no sleep and no food until he can come up with a better fucking plan or at least decide to read the actual notes on my visit with Dr. Hany from Thursday and come up with something better. I am so sick of this I don’t even care anymore. I give up.

I am AWFUL at being pregnant, even my organs are ticked.

I am currently waiting on the results of a Bile Salts Lab and a liver function test. Awesome. Evidently they think my body is so cranky about being pregnant that my liver and gallbladder aren't even on speaking terms at this point. If my bile levels are elevated then I am moved to high risk and either put on bed rest (I'm totally cool with that since I can't sleep at all anymore) or admitted to the hospital for constant monitoring (Not cool with this at all). The main issue will be that currently my liver is running Baby Girl's liver and if my liver is being a total douche then they will have to harvest Baby Girl from my womb at 37 weeks for her safety. My liver may be an asshole. We shall see if my labs ever come back. I am not terribly hopeful as I have all of the damn symptoms of this issue (called Cholestasis of Pregnancy) which just so happens to be the oddest mix of symptoms EVER. Seriously, who would think that the following list of sympton would even be related let alone a symptom of liver malfunction? Syptoms include: Itching of the soles of your feet and palms of your hands (insane freaking itching that makes you serioulsy consider shaving off your skin at 1 a.m.? (check)), Insomnia (check), Depression (check), Nausea (gorp. blargh. blech. (check)), upper quadrant pain (this actually makes sense since that is where your liver is. (check.)) and jaundice (nope.). I will say that the doctor gave me a very tiny script of Ambien and warned not to take it unless absolutely necessary and not two nights in a row due to the addictive nature of the drug. I have taken it twice since my appt and I have to tell you that I totally see why people will get addicted. It was not only the best sleep I have ever had but I woke up feeling like myself for the first time in months. It was amazing. It felt like I slept on a cloud while angels brushed my hair and whispered sweet words of encouragement and told me everything would be alright. I haven't been that relaxed since November. Ambien is clearly dangerous.

Things I really miss in this 7th month.

1. Taking a deep breath. Seriously. No one tells you that you lose the ability to take a deep breath. No wonder you are prone to random panic attacks in the third trimester!! No body can get enough oxygen!
2. Sleeping. In General. I remember sleep being awesome, like spending a few beautiful hours floating on a cloud while angels stroked your forehead and sang you a sweet lullaby. Now it sucks. Badly.
3. My body.  I really don't think I will ever get it back at this stage. WTH. How is this going to go back?? I need a trainer.
4. Walking to Starbucks on break. It is less than 10 yards away. I felt like I completed a triathalon and needed a nap afterwards, no joke.
5. Being able to watch a TV drama without having an irrational reaction to something that happened to an animal or child. or woman. or man. or houseplant. (sigh)
6. Sitting on my couch. How does a couch become uncomfortable in a week. I hate that thing now. I have ONE chair that is comfortable and not too deep or too low. Stupid couch.
7. The sweet little kicks that I looked forward to. Now I mostly feel Braxton Hicks contractions and they suck. Although she did get the hiccups last night and that was pretty cool. That was a definite plus.
8. The idea that there is plenty of time to get stuff ready. There isn't.
9. Sanity. Everything that feels wrong or hurts terrifies me. I've already had one emergency check up thanks to the BH contractions. I just need to know she is good and staying where she is for 2 more months but on the other hand...number 10.
10. The "sit back and enjoy this time" mentality. I am getting antsy. I would like to see her. When does July get here??

I'm feeling a little hormonal and grumpy today.

I have recently gone off on a tangent about the following (a wrap up):
People having an opinion on my birth plan. (I don't really care what you think, it's my vagina. FYI.)
Returning to work after my matrnity leave.
Gift registries (I am freaked out that no one will buy from the registry and my baby will have to sleep in a box.)
And finally..Motherhood in general and how everyone wants to tell me exactly how little I know and how much I have to learn. (if you can't be supportive and not make me feel worthless then jump off)

Also, I would punch my grandma for some soft serve ice cream.

FYI, Yes I will be returning to work

I was just emailing my best friend when she sent me a link to a blog about how bitchy people can get about working moms and daycare. I am beginning to feel quite strongly about this issue as I have recently been receiving the "Ohhh, You WILL be going back to work after the baby??" question in the tone of voice that suggests that I may not be a great mom or perhaps I should have waited until we could afford a child instead of paying strangers to raise her. I'd like to clear something up right now. I will be returning to work and the reasons are not purely financial. I am good at what I do. I like what I do. I feel good about doing what I do. I am positive there will be days that I will hate leaving my baby girl but I have selected a fantastic home day care where I am completely comfortable with her being. I am diagnosed with OCD and being able to say that I finally have a puppy sitter that I trust took almost 7 years so trust me that this daycare thing was a big deal. A very BIG DEAL. I have been using smart ass humor to end the conversation up to this point (i.e. My answer has mainly been that I have to go back to work to support our coke habit, if you think the price of gas has gone up you would be amazed at the current mark up on pharmaceutical grade cocaine!) and if people don't know that that is a joke then they can just eff right off. I have nothing against being a stay at home mom, I was raised by a stay at home mom who took care of all four of us kids and kept a beautiful home on top of that. God bless her. I would also like to tell you what else my mom excelled at: she taught my sister and me to be independent and speak our mind and never rely on anyone for anything that you can provide for yourself. This isn't a reflection on my parent’s marriage in any way as they are still happily married after what seems like eons. I am pretty sure around 50 years, in fact. This was just the way she wanted us to behave so that she knew we would be able to take care of ourselves in the face of any obstacle. I am happily married (heading to year 11 already! Time sure flies!) and expecting my first baby and I plan on raising my daughter the exact same way. I just hope by the time I am welcoming my first grand baby that people will have a much more evolved view of the working mother. I am embarking on working two full time jobs and I simply couldn't be happier. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, you judgmental old bags.

Weekly round up..

Things are moving right along on the pregnancy front. I will randomly get all bajiggity regarding how much time has passed and how little I feel like we have accomplished. We are currently in the process of emptying out our office/guest room/catch all to transform it into a little baby wonderland which is proving much more stressful that I assumed it would be. We have a ton of crap and it isn’t necessarily easy to figure out where to put it or how to dispose of it. I really wish I could just get everything thrown out in one weekend so I could get it off my mind but it isn’t just up to me since the majority of the stuff in there is the husbands so I have to be patient and I absolutely suck at that. Sheesh, I am getting stressed out just writing about it. On to better topics...


I finally got registered at Penney’s and Target for baby stuff so that is taken care of. I feel badly because pretty much 85% of what I registered for is online only so you can’t just head out and pick it up on a whim but at least I have my list together. It is amazing how much stuff you need that you don’t think about prior to actually nearing your 3rd trimester. There is a ton of stuff on the registry that I never contemplated needing but evidently you just can’t live without it. I suppose a wipe warmer makes sense as a wet cold wipe on a sensitive bum would be a bit shocking for an infant but I had never heard of such a thing! Back in the planning stages all I thought about was what colors to paint and all the cute things I wanted to buy our baby and thought I had it all planned out. Total BS. I hadn’t a clue what we would actually need to embark on this endeavor! Wowzers..so for any of my friends are checking my registry I do apologize..there is a lot of crap on it and I will be purchasing plenty on the list as well but I had to use it to gather my thoughts as to what functional items we would require as well. I am a tad bit overwhelmed. I trust most of you have been there and will reserve judgment on the level of my ridiculousness for that reason. Thanks in advance ;)

Catching up!

Anthony still won’t let me post the sonogram pictures but I can tell you she is a crazy beautiful little girl with huge eyes and big lips like her momma. She kind of looks like a doll and I can't wait to hold her. We get to have another sonogram on the 13th so they can get the pictures she wouldn't hold still for the first time (she is going to be a handful!) so I hopefully will get to watch her throw a hissy fit again. OH! It finally happened. Baby girl kicked Cheech. It was awesome! He insists on trying to sit where my lap USED to be and ends up in this weird position that looks like a cross between a magician doing his “Voila!” and a gang member sprawled on a bench from one of those lock up shows on MSNBC. (Shut up, I love those shows..That is real reality TV drama people!) So picture my dog all sprawled half on my lap and half on my belly when baby girl decided she was unhappily smushed and gave a great big kick. Cheech jumped and spun his head around to look at my belly, expecting to see SOMETHING but just ending up confused. He got up and moved off the belly with a puppy sigh and settled next to me. Poor thing didn’t even get any sympathy because I was laughing too darn hard to comfort him! I really hope they can be friends after they get used to each other!

I am trying to get a handle on what her current schedule is so that I can be prepared for when she gets here but as far as I can tell she just wakes up about every 3 hours and throws herself a little party until she is worn out and then grabs some more z's. She is a lot like me in college. :)

Crazy pregnancy dreams..

Last night I was transported to pre-Cold War Russia where I was being hidden out by the Catholic church with my baby, who was a demon. Yep, my baby in the dream was a boy (a really odd chubby boy) who lit things on fire and always had a lighter gripped in his fat little hands and would randomly throw up green noxious fluids and scream nonsense. Add to this that the Catholic Church had some sort of clinic for free healthcare where a scary looking old man would heal you with worms and salves. I was put into the care of an American Soldier who was to ferry us back to safety but he would only do so if I could arrange a radiation shower for him because he had been exposed to something during "The Uprising" and that was the only treatment.
I have no clue what the hell this means or why my brain made it up..also I woke up before I was able to get out of Russia...
I am baffled.