Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The past is never really gone.


Okay, let me just throw it out there like old bread...Today is not a good day.
16 years ago tonight my first real boyfriend ever (writing our name together in little hearts, punched my V card, all that biz) died in a car accident. I think on some level I have been on edge since waking up this morning, then I realized it when setting my voicemail for work.. You can literally hear it on my voicemail...when I pause and spit the date out.. Just once I would love to be able to let this date slide by unnoticed but I guess it isn't going to happen.
Man, 16 is like looking back on someone else's memories. I am not even remotely the same person I was before but I can't say if that is for the better or worse..I was reckless back then, now I am overly cautious with everything, overly sensitive and completely shut people out when I feel abandoned. To quote Leonard Cohen, "Maybe there's a God above, but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya, and it's not a cry that I hear at night, It's not someone who has seen the's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah".
I guess in terms of having changed I should just look at it as: I was 14 years old, I mean really..I was a child. I look at 14 year olds now and I can't believe I was ever that young or silly and wrapped up in love.
Please know, I wouldn't change anything about my life now, I am truly happy. I have the most incredible husband and we will (God willing) be starting a family soon,  I guess I am just remembering the time when I never thought I would get here and I tried to destroy practically everything around me. I really wish I had one of the Men in Black flashy things so I could just wipe some memories out so they didn't randomly jump up and attack me without warning..I don't much enjoy remembering any of the year or two after the accident..
One last thing..If you are going to do something really really stupid or reckless, think first about how it can have repurcusions for the rest of your family and friends lives, especially if you won't be around to pick up the pieces..

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