The past is never really gone.

*UPDATED*


Okay, let me just throw it out there like old bread...Today is not a good day.
16 years ago tonight my first real boyfriend ever (writing our name together in little hearts, punched my V card, all that biz) died in a car accident. I think on some level I have been on edge since waking up this morning, then I realized it when setting my voicemail for work.. You can literally hear it on my voicemail...when I pause and spit the date out.. Just once I would love to be able to let this date slide by unnoticed but I guess it isn't going to happen.
Man, 16 years..it is like looking back on someone else's memories. I am not even remotely the same person I was before but I can't say if that is for the better or worse..I was reckless back then, now I am overly cautious with everything, overly sensitive and completely shut people out when I feel abandoned. To quote Leonard Cohen, "Maybe there's a God above, but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya, and it's not a cry that I hear at night, It's not someone who has seen the light..it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah".
I guess in terms of having changed I should just look at it as: I was 14 years old, I mean really..I was a child. I look at 14 year olds now and I can't believe I was ever that young or silly and wrapped up in love.
Please know, I wouldn't change anything about my life now, I am truly happy. I have the most incredible husband and we will (God willing) be starting a family soon,  I guess I am just remembering the time when I never thought I would get here and I tried to destroy practically everything around me. I really wish I had one of the Men in Black flashy things so I could just wipe some memories out so they didn't randomly jump up and attack me without warning..I don't much enjoy remembering any of the year or two after the accident..
One last thing..If you are going to do something really really stupid or reckless, think first about how it can have repurcusions for the rest of your family and friends lives, especially if you won't be around to pick up the pieces..

My phone has cheese on it.

That is all, I just felt like sharing.

I am pretty sure it is mozzarella.

Carry on.

Fill in the blank here

I use my blog to vent and waste time a lot, that is pretty much why I have it. Feel free to not read it if it dosen't interest you, I won't mind.
I just thought maybe it is time that I offer to help others vent, so here you go!

Fill in the blanks.

When I hear someone jabering on and on about nonsense, it makes me want to  _______.

When I see injustice in our world, it makes me feel ________.

When I am spoken over it makes me _______.

Now some happy exercises..

When I hear a baby laugh, I think of ____________.

When I think about my closest relative, I remember the time we ___________.

When I am surrounded by people that think I am one of a kind awesome, I am ________.


How about you guys????

little more venting..

Here is my next question...How many of you all have a friend who isn't really your friend at all...you are THEIR friend, but they aren't your friend in return...Why should I feel obligated to show up and support everything about your life when you can't be bothered to show up for one single thing that is important to me?? Seriously, why would I want to be friends with you?? I think I have old relationships that I am just playing a role in..I am always there to help them out, other them support, find them what they need and I never see them otherwise. This is total BS and it ends here.

drama, competition and jackassery...

Three things I can't freaking stand. This is especially true when I am trying quite hard to stay out of all three and yet it seems I am getting sucked in against my will. I am not in direct competition with anyone..ever. If that changes, trust me, you will all know! I am not shady and I try to support everyone in my life with love and respect. Do I get pissed off? Heck yeah! Do I vent when I am pissed off? You bet your sweet ass! Do I try to be a great friend at all time? Of course, but I am human...
I'm not quite sure what I am getting at but I felt it just needed to be said.

Just for the Birthday Girl!

Just for you, Lisa!!
He actually does look kinda cute in this one..Happy early Birthday!

quickest list of random things about me ever..

Okay..Sorry about the short post but I was absolutely enthralled watching the earth give birth to miners in Chile.

Things about me..the random edition.
I am the only childless child in my family. (working on it, mom!)
I write this crap while flipping through my Ipod, it helps with the randomness.
My first job was at Hardee's and I managed to make fun of a presidential candidate during my short tenure there. Bob Dole, I know..the pen should have tipped me off.
I have a scar on my knee where I skinned it every day falling down at the same spot on my street for an entire summer.
I met my husband before I could speak. (HOOK EM YOUNG, LADIES)
No, it was not an arranged marriage, we just got lucky.
(hah! I said lucky)
Listening to TOOL makes me angry for no reason.
Sting makes me feel lovely..that is one gorgeous tantric gentleman.
This site needs automatic spell-check.
I taught my sister to appreciate my poop humor by desensitizing her to it. I randomly bring up poop at family dinners. I think she finds it endearing now.
Halloween is my favorite holiday. Dress up is fun.
I touched two famous men last night.
I look pregnant in that picture. (seriously, check my previous blog..baby bump or fat? FAT!)
Doughnuts taste good.
running out of time...what to write, what to write?!?!?!?
Breaded tenderloin horseshoes are my favorite..from the Barrelhead. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
TOTS! (reference to BarrelHead)

Okay kids, gotta run. Time to shut it down!

Time to escape the comfort zone, people!

I had a really good time last night by forcing myself to get out of my cute, cozy little box and go do something out of the ordinary.
Over the past few years I have been choosing comfort and solitude over adventure more and more, call it the security of having a great husband and great home, but putting on my cozies after work and having a snuggle on the couch ranks right up there with my favorite things. I would honestly rather stay in and watch something on tv or on demand then get all dolled up and go to a bar to sit around and talk to a bunch of people I don't really know. (most nights, and this dosen't include my actual friends)
Last night, however, was different.

Last night I got a text from a good friend asking me to go out to the college and see a private screening of the new FX show Terriers with her. My first reaction was: Naw..I'm cozy and I would have to put on something cute and fix my makeup..too hard. After about 6 follow up texts (Michelle can be quite persuasive) I finally got my lazy ass up and went out to the college with her. Let me explain what I walked into..a residence hall with about 25 19 year old girls sitting around and giving us a look that says "WTH are they doing here..they are old". I was instantly regretting my decision. They are all talking about a chem lab and Michelle and I are discussing pre-schools and bus routes. Awkward. I shake it off and decide that the little 19 year olds can suck it and I am staying, I came here to do something out of the ordinary after all, what did I expect? So fully prepped and starting to get sucked into the excitement around me I settle into to the screening room and start to loosen up. Michelle starts smacking the crap out of me and I notice that the actors have arrived. Okay, I will geek out really quick and tell you that I, even at the ripe old age of 30, was a bit star struck. Oh. Dear. Lord. Donal Logue and Michael Raymond-James were hanging out in the same room as I, and they are HOT. Just sayin'. It also needs to be mentioned that the show, Terriers, was actually really good. I enjoyed it and it had a nice mix of comedic timing and bad-assery to it. I'm a fan. I am including the pic of me with the guys, although it is an AWFUL picture of me, it really shows how freaking adorable they are.

feeling good!

I had the chance this past weekend to hang out with a couple different groups of friends and I tore it up. I mean it, I was out Friday and Saturday night at a local favorite watering hole and both nights managed to get to drunk texting and drunk posting all night. The first night was a dinner and drinks night with friends, always a good time with this group of people, and then I walked into a work birthday upstairs that was HILARIOUS!! Seriously some of the funniest crap I have ever seen was going on upstairs at the Floyd's Thirst Parlor. I managed to walk into one of my bosses wearing bear goggles and a thong over his jeans for his 50th. I was dying. Then Saturday, same bar, same floor, two of my good friends (twins) were having their 30th birthday and I had a BLAST!! Talk about having a great weekend, I got to see two completely separate groups of friends and catch up with people I haven't seen in years. My liver is still sore though, so I think next weekend will not involve any drinking.
Oh! I also got to hang out with my family twice, once for my nephew's 14th birthday (WTF!?! How do they get so old so quick?) and then Sunday to move furniture for my Mom and then play volleyball. (sidenote: this is not a real game, we suck at volleyball and just smack a scooby doo ball over a volleyball net my mom put up in the backyard, this is not REAL volleyball.) During the volleyball game I learned two very important things about my family. 1) My sister has never heard the saying "baking air biscuits" before..and 2) my husband stinks at fake volleyball and I hope our kids don't get his (lack of) athletic prowess.
I laughed so hard this weekend that I don't have to go to the gym for a week. My abs still hurt.

Foot in Mouth day

Today is not my friend.
First of all, I broke the cardinal rule of Reply All. Craptastic.
I managed to send a VERY snarky email out to my entire team..I r genius.
Luckily my boss actually agreed with my message (not my attitude, I am sure) and sent a follow up email to the team regarding my original message. Then I managed to cut off a dear friend on my drive into the office from lunch, I didn't know it was him until he managed to get up along side me to wave, with his two sons in the car. I am a total jackass today. TOTAL JACKASS. Sheesh.

Oh crap! I almost forgot!!
I also forwarded a nice client email I received to my boss, while adding a note that a co-worker thought that we should be provided Frosty's for our hard work...and auto correct changed it to Fourty's. I asked my boss for fourty's.

I am awesome.

We may get a little personal, but I am told that is what a blog is for..

I like my life, I really really do. I have everything anyone could ever want. Don't get me wrong, I am not rich, I do not drive a Bentley and I live in a modest 2 bedroom house about five minutes from the center of "all that is wrong with government", Illinois (The capital building in Springfield). What I DO have is possibly the world's most incredible husband and an adorable loving puppy. I have a job that I am good at and a boss that really does respect me and acknowledge all my hard work. This IS the american dream. I understand that. So why do I feel like I am, a)being selfish and b)about to upset the wonderful balance I have managed to achieve, in my sudden quest to have a baby. Am I the only person that has had this struggle? Is it just my OCD telling me that everything is about to implode?
On the flipside..Why isn't it working yet? People get knocked up with the help of SoCo every weekend as far as I can tell, so why is it so difficult to get knocked up when you are FREAKING TRYING TO! Seriously?!?! Are my ovaries lazy?? I don't want to end up taking my temperature every 10 minutes, but evidently I have absolutely NO CLUE what my body is doing. This is frustrating, especially since I am equally terrified of having a baby and not being able to get pregnant. I have no idea what I should be feeling anymore.. I am excited about the future but terrified about the turn the world seems to be taking (including, but not limited to: the state of education, the state of the economy, the unrest between contries and the all too present terror threat, and last but not least, the crazy people that do terrible things for no reason right here in our country.)

I am starting to see that this IS probably the OCD..Hello there, therapy.

Anyway, I just felt a need to unload. Sometimes the weight of things just build up until the weight of nothing can become so heavy that getting out of bed becomes a struggle, and I do not want to get to that point. I know that everything will be fine, and everything is going to work out. Hubby tells me that every time I get freaked out and I trust him completely.
I am just a little surprised that, at 30, I could be this freaked out about taking this next step. I guess we are all just a tentative child inside when it comes to making big decisions.

I am an addict..but not a hardcore one, more like how the smurfs were addicts.

I woke up just early enough to make a full pot of coffee to bring in to work with me. Not early enough to blow dry my hair, mind you, but early enough to make sure I have acceptable coffee to drink today. I can't possibly give it up. I quit smoking but I can't quit caffeine. I understand that is the equivilant of knocking heroine but TRUST, my addiction to The Buck is not to be screwed with...I will cut you.
I am drinking my Anniversary Blend with hazelnut right now..mmmmmmmmmmmm, it's like a thousand hugs from angels. I am not giving it up and you can't make me.

Oh My..

I am seriously considering giving up coffee..this should terrify anyone that knows me personally as I assume it will be the equivilant of putting ethanol in a big rig...But I think it is necessary at this point.
I probably spend upwards of $50-$100 a month on Starbucks. Seriously. I need an intervention and probably drugs for the withdrawls that will surely accompany such a detox.
I read somewhere that eating an apple is more effective than a cup of coffee to wake you up in the morning.
This. is. utter. bull. shit.
I tried it..all I can think of is Coffee, a big steaming latte with 4 pumps of hazelnut syrup..blargurgglegurrglegurrb. (sorry, I was drooling a'la Homer Simpson and his pink donuts)
This post is not making much sense, is it? I think I'd better run to Starbucks after all..

Oh Hai!!

Okay, let me just point out that every time I see someone spell *Hi* that way, my brain immediately turns them in to a cartoon and I see them pop up and start waving like a drunk Dora the Explorer. I can't control this. It just happens. I now think that half of my facebook friends are drunk, overly excited cartoon characters. You're welcome. Someone needs to stop this unless they are captioning an LOLCat, because those are awesome.