I'm still here.

I Struggle. I just want to be honest. I want my daughter to know me, I want her to know that her mom wanted her to know that life wasn’t easy and happy but it was worth it at all times. Life is work and working is worth it. Every day we make a choice to wake up and not let the things that we may see and hear change us in a negative way. We wake up and we do our best to make this world better for the people around us, whether we think that they deserve our best or not, we give it. Then we go home, collapse and sleep only to wake up and do it again.

Because we are each worth it and life is worth it and above all else, my daughter is worth it.

Rest in Peace

I have been having a super busy few days (or weeks) at work and those were suddenly put into perspective when I found out that a friend I graduated high school with had suddenly passed away. I realized that if I were to lose the people that made my life worth living suddenly or if I were to die today, I wouldn't be worried about the spreadsheet that is yet to be completed or the client email that I forgot to answer. I would regret logging in from home for two hours and not spending that time with my little girl. I would regret falling asleep before her from sheer exhaustion and mental fatigue. I would regret having spent very little quality time with my husband, who I love more than anything. It is so very hard to realize that our life has an end and we can't forsee when that is, and the fact that it can be way too soon is terrifying. Even if I had 1000 years with all of you, it will never be enough. It is time for me to re-prioritize quite a few things so thank you John, for that and for so much more. Thank you for making me laugh with your posts on Facebook while we watched the Cubs give up God knows how many games in the final innings thanks to awful pitching. Thank you for the laughs on the Chilling The Most group. Thank you for making me feel good about myself in high school without even trying and for hugging me the last time you saw me like you had really missed me for the last 10 years. I will miss the hell out of you. Your final gift to me is the gift of perspective. It definitely wasn't worth the loss of you in this world, but I promise to make the most of it.

Bless you.

                                          Ursuline Academy
                                           Class of 98

Not Shocking.

So the general consensus appears to be that feeling like everyone in your life is trying to make you feel inadequate and taking over how you should be raising your child is (wait for it.....) Completely Normal. I shouldn't be shocked. I know. Especially in the overly large, outspoken Italian family I was born into where I am the youngest child by 7 years and was pretty much always treated like I have no idea what I am doing. Usually I am okay with that because I can just let someone take care of the hard stuff for me, but this is different. This I can do. This I want to do. I am an ADULT. I am the parent. I don't know how to prove that to anyone and I am just so damn angry that I have to...

Question of the Week

I’m learning that motherhood is actually not as difficult as I feared but the challenges I didn’t anticipate are turning out to be quite the rollercoaster…
How do you decide if something is a big enough issue to start an argument over? If you have tried to tell the same people the same thing over and over again, when do you decide to escalate it to the next level and put your cards on the table and finally say “Enough is Enough” and start a good old fashioned rumble? I feel as though every time I make an effort to reach out, I get my hand slapped for not having abided by some invisible rule book that I never got the opportunity to read. I am sick and tired of being ignored, being told I don’t know what is best for my daughter and being told that my wishes do not matter. Most of all being made to feel as though I am being over careful and reckless at the same time because I won’t let her play with certain things or eat certain things and yet waited until she was 8 months old to move her crib mattress down. I watch my daughter’s development every day. I keep track of what she has eaten and if she has had any reactions to any food or dairy product. I am extremely careful with my daughter and I also make sure that she spends as much time as possible bubbling over with great big belly laughs. I love my little girl more than I ever thought I could love. Period. My every moment is spent carefully considering her every need and balancing what is best with what is fun. I also want to make sure that her father and I get to share in all of her “first moments” and I feel like those are getting stolen. She is her father’s daughter. She is my daughter. She is ours. I refuse to feel badly regarding spending time with her alone for family weekends. I refuse the guilt trips. I refuse the anxiety attacks. I refuse to feel badly and give up my precious two days out of seven that I get to see her uninterrupted by work and stress.

so much stress, but I will have plenty of storage for it all

So the perfect husband, baby puppy and I will be embarking on a new adventure soon. Soonish. Soon-y? Soon, if you can call once the cars are paid off and we find a piece of land that fits our criteria and finally come to terms with a design and materials and my husband and I decide on a color of brick, soon, then soon. Anyway...
We will be building a new home. argh. I have a feeling that I may have finally bit off more than I can chew guys. I am so gonna lose it but I am also starting to get really excited. We have been looking at houses since before Frankie was born and nothing was ever exactly what we really wanted or in the area we wanted and it started to seem like we were paying an awful lot to not get even CLOSE to what we wanted so we are finally biting the bullet and shopping for land instead. I have found a few house plans and the father in law is an architect so I will be picking his brain like crazy, I have some modified plans in the works and we will be attending the local home builders show this weekend so I can say that I am equal parts excited and terrified but over the next 2-3 years I am sure I will have this all worked out. :) (God I hope it dosent take that long...)

Here is an idea I modified in paint :)

This one is a little rough. Don't say I didn't warn you...

Today is 10 pounds of suck in a 8 pound bag.


There is really no other way I can describe today… I am having a rough one and it isn’t due to anything that has happened directly to me. I am upset that I am currently located smack dab in the middle of two other locations in the country that need me (or don’t? I don’t know.) I wish I was in Iowa so I could talk with my cousin, who I think could use someone to vent to or a drinking buddy, at the very least. I also wish I was in South Carolina with my best friend and her daughter who are having a suck fest of their own. I hate being far away from the people that I love. HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE it! This brings me to the root of most problems that have been causing problems in my loved ones lives lately and I feel that I need to vent a bit. I feel I should warn my readers that I do not give two shits if this offends anyone. If you are a parent, the main requirement is now and ALWAYS HAS BEEN that you love your child. Simple, right? Yes. Okay. Let’s get a little more complicated in the next step. Now, you also need to put your child’s needs ahead of your own. Okay, who did I confuse? Anyone? If I did, then STEP THE FUCK OUT OF THE GODDAMNED GENE POOL! Now (Holy Shitballs y’all. It is gonna get tough but I promise this is the last step. Toughen up!) Read the first requirement. Now read the second requirement. See that first one? See that second one? Okay, this is the last one. Re-read them. Re-read them again. THAT LASTS FOR YOUR CHILD’S ENTIRE LIFE!

If you can’t handle that, let me know and I will drop by at your leisure and sterilize you free of charge.



Have a wonderful day.

Random Observation of the day...

I am cheating. This observation is actually from this weekend but here goes...

When I see a black porsche and notice that a woman is driving it, my initial reaction is "Good for her!!"
When I see a black porsche and notice that a man is driving it, my initial reaction is "douchebag."

Hmmm....girl power?