Thursday, September 9, 2010

Breaking news....I am nuts.

Here is a quick summary of last evening at my house: Got home, went for a run, had dinner with Anthony. He ended up allowing me to skip the gym since I had opted for a jog so after dinner I cozied up and settled in for tv and puppy snugglin' good times. What happened next shall forever haunt me...the LARGEST FREAKING SPIDER ON EARTH ran from my DVD shelves across the living room carpet and paused (I assume to consider the best way to kill me) in front of the armoir. Seriously, this spider was soooo big that I wasn't sure what it was at first. I was totally frozen..terrified and having a very very hard time coming up with a plan, since all I could hear inside my head was screaming. Picture how ridiculous this actually looked as I detail what unfolded.. I am huddled on my couch attempting to not look directly at the spider from hell while pretending that I don't see anything so Cheech dosen't notice and run over to eat the deadly evil and I assume venomous transformer of a spider. Then after the spider moved again (SHRIEK!) to the puppy snuggle ball I hightailed it to the bathroom where all I could find was a can of flying insect killer (I'll try anything...I would have used hair spray is I had any) and about a MILLION FREAKING CANDLES! I grabbed the pest poison and snuck back into my living room while trying to look nonchalant to both the quizzical puppy and the bloodthirsty spider to turn on the overhead light. Fan turns on, no light. JEEEBUS!! So then I have to drag a chair from the dining room to the living room (it is getting much harder to appear casual at this point) so I can reach the fan to turn off the wind machine and on the light so that I can keep the spider in my sights..And THEN..FINALLY...I chicken out and cower on the couch at the mere thought of walking closer to the spider. I rock. I start to reformulate a plan but all I can come up with is to open the front door of my house and fling the snuggle ball out the front door while screaming and pray the spider dosen't fall out or jump out and attack me.

At this point, Anthony came home. (Thank Jesus!)

I started speaking really fast to explain all that had happened while he had been at the gym, which only worried him more I bet. Then I just started saying "No, Don't touch the snuggle ball. It is IN THERE!!" So he sent me upstairs (mostly because I think I was freaking him out) and then I hear "Holy Crap, THAT IS A BIG SPIDER" followed by a heavy thud. Dead prehistoric deadly venomous ninja spider. Halleluia!

Cue the Xanax.

I will just post verbatim what my tweets were posted last night.
"Any twits out there taking Xanax? (generic xanax anyway..I have HMO) Do your pills have a symbol that looks like the breast cancer ribbon? Because the last thing I need in the middle of an anxiety attack is to suddenly think I have cancer..not cool pharmaceutical company."

It was a really long night.

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