I just need to get this off my chest

I assume by now that everyone out there knows I am pregnant..mostly because I can't seem to stop myself from being all blah blah blah, me me me, bloating, sick, IknowyouhatemebutIcantstoprunningmystupidmouth...
I actually deleted this blog and I think it was just a subconscious desire to attempt to silence myself because I am positive that I am going to annoy and alienate absolutely everyone I know with my new brand of crazy. I really wish I could promise that I will shut the eff up soon and learn to deal but that seems to be the main skill I lack right now. To be completely honest I am terrified and can't stop obsessing about everything and I think I am losing the grip I had on my OCD and I am slowly falling into a scary-ass land of compulsive obsessing and depression and exhaustion and fear. I keep being told that this is all normal and it is hormones but I honestly don't believe that and then I obsess about the fact that I think I am losing my mind..I guess I just want to apologize to everyone for having to put up with me and promise to just shut my damn trap so maybe I can make this feeling that everyone is annoyed by me to go away..
Yeah this totally isn't making me feel better or look any better..
Damn it.

I'm sorry that I don't have a "on a funny note" for this one..
I should probably delete this blog again.

sorry, I have been MIA lately.

There has been a lot going on! I will be able to tell you all about it soon but for now I have to keep that little tidbit of news under wraps. I do, however, have a new obsession. It is called my brand new, bright red, locking  lidded crock pot. I know, I know..how lame, but seriously I love it. It is pretty and I can throw stuff in it in the morning and I come home and that magic little pot made me dinner. The inventer deserves a medal or a lap dance, I don't know..something good.
In related news, I scared the crap out of husband this morning when I woke up after a dream dripping with pink jelly beans and decided that I should just get started on some crock pot cacciatore. He woke up to me in the kitchen chopping onions and decided the only logical explanation had to be that I was sleepwalking? SERIOUSLY! He thought I was chopping onions in my sleep and stumbled downstairs to save me from my self-inflicted demise at the hand of a sharp knife and my own slumber. He's a truly wonderful husband and he cracks me up.

Why does random crap always happen to me when no one else is around to see/hear it???

So I am in the bathroom here at work and someone else walks in (I assume) in mid conversation (with themselves or on the phone, couldn't tell but I didn't hear anyone else.) and I hear "If it wasn't for coffee I don't think I'd ever pooh." Ummmmmmmm....Okay, do you know how hard I had to work to stifle my laugh?? Then as I washed my hands and got the heck out of there I turned off the bathroom light (it's habit at home, I'm green yo.) and then had to switch it back on and get out of there before I lost it...I'm smooth.

I'm feeling a little excited, I'm feeling a little burned out

Okay, I think I am going to try something new on here...How about a theme day? I need to get back to the writing I used to love, and I think I need to do it quickly.
That being said I am going to start a theme day (maybe wednesday, maybe tuesday?) in which I will post the writing style I used to be proud of, Music. Lyrics, poetry..it can be anything but I really had a lot to say back then and I am pretty sure I still do, If only I can find it.

The past is never really gone.

*UPDATED*


Okay, let me just throw it out there like old bread...Today is not a good day.
16 years ago tonight my first real boyfriend ever (writing our name together in little hearts, punched my V card, all that biz) died in a car accident. I think on some level I have been on edge since waking up this morning, then I realized it when setting my voicemail for work.. You can literally hear it on my voicemail...when I pause and spit the date out.. Just once I would love to be able to let this date slide by unnoticed but I guess it isn't going to happen.
Man, 16 years..it is like looking back on someone else's memories. I am not even remotely the same person I was before but I can't say if that is for the better or worse..I was reckless back then, now I am overly cautious with everything, overly sensitive and completely shut people out when I feel abandoned. To quote Leonard Cohen, "Maybe there's a God above, but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya, and it's not a cry that I hear at night, It's not someone who has seen the light..it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah".
I guess in terms of having changed I should just look at it as: I was 14 years old, I mean really..I was a child. I look at 14 year olds now and I can't believe I was ever that young or silly and wrapped up in love.
Please know, I wouldn't change anything about my life now, I am truly happy. I have the most incredible husband and we will (God willing) be starting a family soon,  I guess I am just remembering the time when I never thought I would get here and I tried to destroy practically everything around me. I really wish I had one of the Men in Black flashy things so I could just wipe some memories out so they didn't randomly jump up and attack me without warning..I don't much enjoy remembering any of the year or two after the accident..
One last thing..If you are going to do something really really stupid or reckless, think first about how it can have repurcusions for the rest of your family and friends lives, especially if you won't be around to pick up the pieces..

My phone has cheese on it.

That is all, I just felt like sharing.

I am pretty sure it is mozzarella.

Carry on.

Fill in the blank here

I use my blog to vent and waste time a lot, that is pretty much why I have it. Feel free to not read it if it dosen't interest you, I won't mind.
I just thought maybe it is time that I offer to help others vent, so here you go!

Fill in the blanks.

When I hear someone jabering on and on about nonsense, it makes me want to  _______.

When I see injustice in our world, it makes me feel ________.

When I am spoken over it makes me _______.

Now some happy exercises..

When I hear a baby laugh, I think of ____________.

When I think about my closest relative, I remember the time we ___________.

When I am surrounded by people that think I am one of a kind awesome, I am ________.


How about you guys????